"What have we done?"

I once said,

“What have we done”.

That is so hard to type.

It was 3am and my first born was 2 weeks old, my perfect little baby who I loved more than anything.

But I was broken in that moment.

I was running on empty, I hadn’t slept in days and I had crippling anxiety around feeding.

There is nothing I wouldn’t do for him.

But I said that once,

in a desperate moment.

I was crying,

my husband knew I didn’t mean it.

I knew I didn’t mean it.

But I said it.

Meeting him was like healing a part of me that was never broken.

Is that possible?

But the newborn phase isn’t just a love bubble, it isn’t perfect happy photos all the time.

You may not enjoy this phase but still want to stare at their face for hours.

We’re not only getting to know them, but ourselves. I remember my first shower post birth and I felt like a different person, he was waiting for me in the other room and I wondered is this what it will always feel like?

Like I’m never truly alone?

But also, how beautiful.

I’m telling you this because I write so often about the love for my children, I’ve known nothing like it.

But here’s a healthy dose of reality, you aren’t alone if you’ve felt alone in motherhood before.

There’s so much beauty to it all but sometimes the magic is dressed up in a tired desperation, a tunnel even. And it can be hard to see and in the beginning can feel a bit thankless.

There will always be others who didn’t experience what I did, or others who experienced far worse.

I just wanted to let you know for those going through this. I was there once.

This love can be the steady ground you walk on and the ground that brings you to your knees.

It’s not always perfect.

Your love for them? Yes.

Real motherhood? No.

Just a message to say it’s OK if the happiest moment of your life is also one of the hardest.

And it gets easier