This is why us mums stay up late...

I want to sleep but I stay up late, so silence can wrap its arms around me in the heaviness of their absence.

I stay up late so I can check in with myself or check out completely. So my mind can drift and wander instead of being the scattered mess it is most days.

I stay up late because even as the night deepens, I’m still on the surface, of a finished conversation, a thought, anything for myself… even if it’s just sitting.

I stay up late because that’s usually when my day starts, my work, preparation for tomorrow, a full sentence uttered is an achievement here.

I stay up late because though I love their every inch, I need the alone time, to unwind myself from all the giving and needing. I’m not just Mum here, not just wiping bottoms, making food, cleaning, running errands or playing. This unfamiliar body of mine needs to remember it is also, mine.

I stay up late because this is where the hard from the day melts away. As they sleep I dream awake. Of them, their personalities, their little changing faces, I think about who I am, who I want to be for them.

I stay up late because it’s the first time my husband and I have actually 𝙎𝙚𝙚𝙣 each other. I scroll through their photos, I talk about them, I smile, I worry, I imprint the memories our busy days wouldn’t pause to allow.

I stay up late because the only thing urgent here is my love for them. I know I should go to sleep, and I will.

When my eyelids are too heavy I’ll close them, before I’m woken by little cries, always too soon after I’ve shut my eyes.

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